Jumbled

So, I'm really a mess, and I thought this might be a good opportunity to write here, put things in words, breathe, for just a minute. So I thought and thunked and thinked to come up with words, something to say, anything that means something, but I came up blank.

My mind is spinning, my heart's a jumbled mess, and my body is gasping for air. I'm trying to hold up, to not fall under it all, to keep a smile plastered on my face, to believe in love, to feel worthy of anything good, to feel like I'm not alone, to have dry eyes when people are around, to know I'm better than this, to understand why... but it's a useless cause.

That all hurts, but the worst part is that I just don't know what to do. Usually, there is something that I can do, some sort of at least half way solution, some way out, but I'm at a total loss.

All I can do is scream hallelujah. Life is beautiful; it still is no matter what. There is joy; I know there is somewhere. God has a plan; I can't see it but He can. I am precious; I am loved. In the midst of everything, hallelujah. At a loss for words, hallelujah. When all feels hopeless, hallelujah.

Hallelujah.