Ugly

A couple days ago, one of my best friends gave me the very best advice. When life is hard, throw your energy, throw your pain, throw your efforts into helping other people. When what's going on in your life is consuming you and slowly destroying you, help out your friends who are going through hard times. Listen to them talk about their problems and be what they need. Focus on other people's dramas and issues and life.

It's definitely been awesome. Takes my mind off my stuff, and I definitely have no lack of friends with problems and needs right now. I can help my friends and distract my mind and steady my heart, but, at the end of the day, my stomach is still in knots. I am still falling apart. Temporarily avoiding the hurt doesn't make it go away. I'm thankful that I have gotten to occasionally temporarily avoid the hurt these last couple days, and that I've gotten to help my friends as they've dealt with some dumb stuff, but it's time to face the fire.

I love my friends. I hate all the drama, but our dumb friend drama beats the pain packed tightly in an envelope in the small pocket of my backpack at all times.

I isolated myself in a corner of the silent section of the library for two hours today. To any outsider, it would look like I was hard at work studying. Maybe you could call it that. Reading, rereading, writing, rereading, rereading, writing, rereading... I would be a very quality studier if so.

There's no good place to cry here, but I don't even feel like crying. I want to, usually crying makes me feel so much better, but no tears will come out. I think that's making it worse. I should go see The Vow. Too bad I won't have time to for over a week. My pimples are worse than they've been in forever. I can't decide if that is stress-induced, because I havn't been sleeping, or because I ate super healthy for a couple weeks and then have eaten nothing but junk the last couple days and have never eaten this much chocolate in my life.

This post is not a healthy way to deal with this, but, frankly, I don't know how to deal right now. So I think I'm willing to try just about anything. I'm pretty desperate to find something else to do with my feelings.